I Did Not Think This Through

 This week was my second week on Hinge. The photographer I began messaging with last week, Jeremy*, and I continued to chat each day, and around midweek he asked if I would like to either meet up for coffee or have a phone call. 

As if a timer went off, I went into an anxiety spiral:

• It's been five years since I last dated a man. What if I've forgotten how? 
• I've always casually dated. What am I doing on a dating app looking for something serious?
• Yes, Jeremy seems nice and respectful and interesting and we have a lot in common, but what if I talk to him and realize he's terrible?
• I should ghost him.

Once I realized what was happening, I forced myself to take a few steps back. Yes, the idea of actually starting to date (or even just having a conversation with someone who is potentially interested in dating me) makes me nervous. However, I want to break my old habits and learn to open myself up to being vulnerable within relationships. Which means: no more ghosting when I feel like someone is getting too close.

I told Jeremy I wasn't ready to meet in person, but would let him know when I had time for a phone call. He took that answer in stride, and we continued chatting as usual. As I continued to calm down, I started thinking a phone call wouldn't be a terrible idea. When I suggested a call on Saturday morning, he quickly accepted. 

 

Before I start dating someone, there are three things I think it's important for them to know about me:

1. I'm queer.

When I date women, this isn't usually a conversation that has to happen. When I date men, I want to make sure before we go out that they aren't homophobic or going to be weird about it (if one more guy tells me "that's hot" when I say I've dated women before I might just punch them in the face and then go live in a cottage in the woods with my cats).

    2.  I move very slowly when it comes to physical intimacy in relationships.

Picture a tortoise stomping through peanut butter, and then imagine it at half-speed. That is how slowly I move in relationship. I need a lot of time to develop trust and comfort around another person. For some people, this gets irritating and they lose interest in waiting for me to catch up to where they want to be. I don't want to waste either of our time if they aren't okay with waiting. 

    3. At some point I will probably panic and consider ghosting.

While I am working on breaking this habit, I will need support to keep from falling back into it. Some of the support will come from my friends, who know the signs of when I'm about to ghost someone, but I'll also need the actual person to let me know they want me to stick around. 

 

My call with Jeremy is in just a few minutes, and I'm nervous. I want to cover at least one of the above mentioned topics during the call, but also want to let the conversation flow naturally. As I try to keep myself calm, I'm reminding myself of one important thing: 

I'm doing this to find someone who will be there when I need them to help me get the damn brake pads replaced.

*All names used on this blog are pseudonyms.