Love Languages

 Over the last few years the general public has become more familiar with the concept of love languages, but it originally was mainly used within couples counseling. 

Gary Chapman wrote a book in 1992 describing the five main ways people express love in relationships. He theorized that many issues within relationships spring from the individuals expressing and receiving love in different ways and not understanding how their partner expresses and receives love. His theory resonated with millions of people, pushing his several books on the topic to the bestsellers list and leading love languages to become a common topic in couples counseling.

As a side note, I think it is important to note that Chapman has a doctorate in adult education and is a Baptist minister- not a counselor or psychologist, so it is important to remember love languages were not developed in an empirical study. A research study in 2017 done by Bunt & Hazelwood, in fact, found that couples who were aligned in their primary love languages did not rate themselves as any happier than couples who were misaligned. 

However, the popularity of the concept of love languages and the simplicity of it for explaining how people can experience feelings of love has made it useful both in and out of counseling settings. Personally, I like the idea of love languages and can see how my two primary love languages, physical touch and words of affirmation, impact my relationships. 

When dating, I typically struggle to get past one or two dates with a potential partner. Partly this is due to realizing I'm not as interested in the other person as I originally thought, but it also can be tied to my love languages. At early stages of dating physical touch and words of affirmation are not common as both people are still getting to know each other and so aren't as likely to hold hands, embrace, cuddle up to each other, or discuss positive feelings for each other at any kind of length. Without these signs of affection, in the past I haven't been able to recognize when a potential partner may be feeling very positive about me, and so I end things.

Remembering different people feel and express love in different ways is important, regardless of if you follow the specific love languages theorized by Chapman. Once you start looking for signs of affection and love from the people in your life, it's very likely you'll start noticing more and more little signs. Especially in these isolating COVID times (and as winter starts in Minnesota and there are less opportunities to spend time with people outside), remembering the people in your life care can help reduce loneliness and make the long weeks go by a little more quickly.