I Miss Being Weird

 Sometimes I really miss childhood.

I don't necessarily miss it for the lack of responsibilities or the free time or school, but for the freedom to be as weird and chaotic as I wanted. I could run around in the woods behind my childhood home, have my stuffed animals wage generations-long wars filled with betrayal against each other, spend hours talking about the Lord of the Rings to anyone who would listen, create yarn hair extensions and beaded good luck charms for myself, and go off on weird rants without anyone questioning it.

                                                                                        Six year old Chickadee reveling in her chaos

As an adult, I feel I have to hold in a lot of my weirdness. I let some of the feelings surrounding that strangeness out through my poetry and writing, and luckily several of my friends are equally weird, but overall I do my best to keep the core of myself- an intensity, strangeness, and seriousness- hidden under layers of shyness and well-practiced calm. I struggle to let people past those protective layers. 

This struggle has come up more than usual lately. I've now been on two dates with a woman in whom I'm very interested (and we have a third date coming up!), and while I have learned a lot about her, I came away from our second date feeling like I hadn't shared much about myself beyond the surface. If the two of us are to get into a relationship, I'd like her to know at least a little of the core of me. The problem is I'm constantly afraid of being "too much" for people, and I've never been able to tell when it's too early to let people in enough to see that side of me.

For example, I've been spending a lot of time lately with one of my sisters. We've never really been particularly close, but are getting along better than ever since my move to Minnesota. While we've gotten to know each other a lot more as adults, there's still a lot I haven't figured out how to share with her. I've known her my whole life, and I still worry it's too early for her to get to know the core of me. 

Have been through personal therapy, personal growth, and a master's program on counseling, I know vulnerability is essential to forming deep connections. However, that doesn't make it any less terrifying or difficult.

And so I long for the chaotic and carefree days of my childhood, when I could wear a swimsuit and bike helmet while pretending who knows what in the front yard without any concern of being "too much."