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Love Languages

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 Over the last few years the general public has become more familiar with the concept of love languages, but it originally was mainly used within couples counseling.  Gary Chapman wrote a book in 1992 describing the five main ways people express love in relationships. He theorized that many issues within relationships spring from the individuals expressing and receiving love in different ways and not understanding how their partner expresses and receives love. His theory resonated with millions of people, pushing his several books on the topic to the bestsellers list and leading love languages to become a common topic in couples counseling. As a side note, I think it is important to note that Chapman has a doctorate in adult education and is a Baptist minister- not a counselor or psychologist, so it is important to remember love languages were not developed in an empirical study. A research study in 2017 done by Bunt & Hazelwood, in fact, found that couples who were alig...
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Attachment Styles and Some Personal Growth

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I'll openly admit to not being the best at texting. Unless I reply right away to the other person, I will forget to get back to them until the next time I pick up my phone. I am also very bad about keeping people updated on things through text, and will tell myself "oh, I'll tell them next time I see them or talk with them" and then three months have passed and I realize I forgot to reach out.  I'm better about texting with a few of my close friends and in the early stages of dating with someone new. However, even with these few people sometimes either I or they will drop out of the conversation for a few days. These silences have turned out to be times of growth for me when it comes to my attachment style. Attachment style is something that was discussed at length in several of my classes as I earned my master's degree in counseling. John Bowlby theorized that early experiences directly influence later relationship development and can predict behavior. Mary ...
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I Miss Being Weird

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 Sometimes I really miss childhood. I don't necessarily miss it for the lack of responsibilities or the free time or school, but for the freedom to be as weird and chaotic as I wanted. I could run around in the woods behind my childhood home, have my stuffed animals wage generations-long wars filled with betrayal against each other, spend hours talking about the Lord of the Rings to anyone who would listen, create yarn hair extensions and beaded good luck charms for myself, and go off on weird rants without anyone questioning it.                                                                                                              Six year old Chickad...
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Thank God I Have My Friends

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 Last weekend I flew out to Maryland to attend the wedding of a friend from grad school. It was a simple and beautiful ceremony followed by a very fun evening of dancing, bonfires, and getting to know her other friends. I went alone to the wedding and was the only of our friend group from grad school who was able to make it, but didn't have the chance to feel lonely or out of place due to how welcoming her friends were.  It really drove home a point I've been thinking about for a long time: in my life, friendships have been the most influential and important relationships.                                                                                                      ...
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Miss Independent

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When people on Hinge have asked what I'm looking for on the app, I've always broken my answer down into short-term and long-term. Long-term I'm looking for a partner, but short-term I've been looking for a date to go with me to a wedding in November.  The RSVPs for that wedding were due last week, and I decided to go alone. Not only did this simplify the issue of needed to find someone (date or friend) with a free evening for the wedding who wouldn't mind being alone for part of the evening as I took care of bridesmaid's duties, but it suddenly removed a ton of pressure I had been feeling. I hadn't realized just how much I was trying to stick to the imaginary timeline I had created for myself (described in last week's post ). Now I feel free to take my time connecting with potential matches.  Without the timing pressure, I also was reminded that I am happy on my own! I like being able to read all day on a weekend without anyone interrupting me, I like ru...
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First Date Fatigue

 I underestimated how long it would take for me to find someone I actually would want a relationship with.  I've been on four first dates (two men and two women, for anyone keeping track on a gender Bingo card), and have another two (one man, one woman) scheduled for the next two weeks. They've all had at least a little potential before the date but we just don't click in person. It's frustrating. In the past I've never had a hard time getting to at least a second date, and I don't know what has changed.  Is it that I'm out of practice with dating apps? Am I too picky these days and still subconsciously waiting for the love-at-first-sight lightning strike? Am I giving off not-interested vibes on the dates? Have my dates immediately thought "crazy cat lady" when I mention my three cats and run for the hills? I don't have answers. I realize two months isn't a long time to be on a dating app, and in terms of weeks I've been on the app and ...
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Hometown Honeys

 I don't have particularly fond memories of high school.  Due to a combination of poor socialization in middle school (which is the natural result of being in classes with the same people since kindergarten- you never have to learn how to meet new people), emerging mental health issues, and more of an interest in books than the day to day dramas of high school, I never fit in as well as I felt my peers did. Looking back, other people probably felt the same, but they hid it well enough at the time that I never would have known.  As a result, I didn't date much in high school. I usually stuck to a close-knit group, and inter-group dating wasn't something that happened often. Even if I hadn't been awkward and weird, dating options wouldn't have been too plentiful. Now, let's fast forward ten years to when my social skills have improved (thank you, degrees in psychology and counseling and years of performing at open mics) and I am once again less than a hour from my...
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